From the Washington Post -- A contest was held in 
which readers were asked to come up with excuses to 
miss a day of work. 

1. If it is all the same to you, I won't be coming 
    in to work. The voices told me to clean all the 
    guns today. 

2. When I got up this morning, I took two Ex-Lax 
    in addition to my Prozac. I can't get off the 
    john, but I feel good about it. 

3. I set half the clocks in my house ahead an hour and 
    the other half back an hour Saturday, and spent 
    18 hours in some kind of space-time continuum loop, 
    reliving Sunday (right up until the explosion). I was
    able to exit the loop only by reversing the polarity 
    of the power source exactly e*log(pi) clocks in the 
    house while simultaneously rapping my dog on the 
    snout with a rolled up Times. Accordingly, I will be 
    in late, or early. 

4. My stigmata's acting up. 

5. I can't come in to work today because I'll be stalking 
    my previous boss, who fired me for not showing up for 
    work. OK? 

6. I have a rare case of 48-hour projectile leprosy, but 
    I know we have that deadline to meet. .. 

7. I am stuck in the blood pressure machine down at the 
    Food Giant. 

8. Yes, I seem to have contracted some attention-deficit 
    disorder and, hey, how about them Hoyas, huh? So, I 
    won't be able to, yes,  could I help you? No, no, I'll 
    be sticking with Sprint, but thank you for calling. 

9. Constipation has made me a walking time bomb. 

10. I just found out that I was switched at birth. Legally, 
     I shouldn't come to work knowing my employee records 
     may now contain false information.

11. The psychiatrist said it was an excellent session. He 
     even gave me this jaw restraint so I won't bite things 
     when I am startled. 

12. The dog ate my car keys. We're going to hitchhike to 
      the vet. 

13. My mother-in-law has come back as one of the Undead and 
     we must track her to her coffin to drive a stake through 
     her heart and  give her eternal peace. One day should do 
     it. 

14. I am converting my calendar from Julian to Gregorian. 

15. I am extremely sensitive to a rise in the interest rates. 

16. I can't come to work today because the EPA has determined 
     that my house is completely surrounded by wetlands and I 
     have to arrange for helicopter transportation. 

17. I prefer to remain an enigma.