I have tears in my eyes from the thought alone...

>
>THE THREE WORST CHINESE TORTURE TESTS...
>
>A man is out in the Chinese wilderness and he's hopelessly lost. It's
>been nearly three weeks since he's eaten anything besides what he
>could forage and he's been reduced to sleeping in caves and under
>trees.
>
>One afternoon he comes upon an old mansion in the woods.  It has vines
>covering most of it and the man can't see any other buildings in the
>area.  However, he sees smoke coming out of the chimney implying
>someone is home.
>
>He knocks on the door and an old man answers, with a beard almost down
>to the ground.  The old man squints his eyes and says "What do you
>want?"
>The man says "I've been lost for the past three weeks and haven't had
>a decent meal or sleep since that time.  I would be most gracious if I
>could have a meal and sleep in your house for tonight."
>
>The old Chinese man says "I'll let you come in on one condition:  You
>cannot mess around with my granddaughter."
>
>The man, exhausted and hungry readily agrees, saying "I promise I
>won't cause you any trouble.  I'll be on my way tomorrow morning."
>The old Chinese man counters "OK, but if I do catch you then I'll give
>you the three worst Chinese torture tests ever known to man."
>
>"OK, OK" the man said as he entered the old house.  Besides, he
>thought to himself, what kind of woman would live out in the
>wilderness all her life?
>
>Well, that night, when the man came down to eat (after showering), he
>saw how beautiful the granddaughter was.  She was an absolute pearl,
>and while he had only been lost three weeks, it had been many many
>months without companionship.  And the girl had only seen the
>occasional monk besides her grandfather and well, they both couldn't
>keep their eyes off each other throughout the meal.
>
>That night, the man snuck into the girls' bedroom and they had quite a
>time, but had kept the noise down to a minimum.  The man crept back to
>his room later that night thinking to himself, "Any three torture
>tests would be worth it after that experience."
>Well, the next morning the man awoke to a heavy weight on his chest.
>He opened his eyes and there was this huge rock on his chest.  On the
>rock was a sign saying "1st Chinese torture test: 100lb. rock on your
>chest."
>
>"What a lame torture test" the man thought to himself as he got up and
>walked over to the window.  He opened the shutter and threw the rock
>out.  On the backside of the rock is another sign saying "2nd worst
>Chinese torture test: Rock tied to right testicle."
>
>The man, seeing the rock was too far out the window to be grabbed,
>jumps out the window after the rock.  Outside the window is a third
>sign saying "3rd worst Chinese torture test: Left testicle tied to
>bedpost.



Ouch, Ouch, Ouch, Ouch!!!!!!!