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Subject: HUSBAND AND WIFE
 
  TO MY DEAR WIFE,
  During the past year I have tried to make love to you 365
  times.  I have succeeded 36 times,which is an average of
  once every ten days. The following is a list of why I did
  not succeed more often:

	 54 times the sheets were clean
 	17 times it was too late
 	49 times you were too tired
 	20 times it was too hot
 	15 times you pretended to be asleep
 	22 times you had a headache
 	17 times you were afraid of waking the baby
 	16 times you said you were too sore
 	12 times it was the wrong time of the month
 	19 times you had to get up early
 	 9 times you said weren't in the mood
 	 7 times you were sunburned
 	 6 times you were watching the late show
 	 5 times you didn't want to muss your new hair-do
 	 3 times you said the neighbors would hear us
 	 9 times you said your mother would hear us

  Of the 36 times I did succeed,the activity was not satisfactory
  because 6 times you just layed there, 8 times you reminded me
  there's a crack in the ceiling, 4 times you told me to
  hurry up and get it over with, 7 times I had to wake you and tell
  you I finished, and one time I was afraid I had hurt you because
  I felt you move...
 
  TO MY DEAR HUSBAND:
 
  I think you have things a little confused.  Here are the reasons
  you didn't get more than you did:
 
	 5 times you came home drunk and tried to fuck the cat
 	36 times you did not come home at all
 	21 times you didn't cum
 	33 times you came too soon
 	19 times you went soft before you got in
 	38 times you worked too late
 	10 times you got cramps in your toes
 	29 times you had to get up early to play golf
	 2 times you were in a fight and someone kicked you
  	   in the balls
	 4 times you got it stuck in your zipper
	 3 times you had a cold and your nose was running
	 2 times you had a splinter in your finger
 	20 times you lost the notion after thinking about it all day
	 6 times you came in your pajamas while reading a dirty book 
	98 times you were too busy watching football, baseball, etc.on TV

  Of the times we did get together the reason I laid still was
  because you missed and were fucking the sheets.  I wasn't talking
  about the crack in the ceiling, what I said was ,"would you prefer me
  on my back or kneeling?" The time you felt me move was because
  you farted and I was trying to breathe...