Just a few stories from our nations Emergency Rooms to prove that
fact is stranger than fiction.


- A 28-year old male was brought into the ER after an attempted
suicide.  The man had swallowed several nitroglycerin pills and a
fifth of vodka.  When asked about the bruises about his head and
chest he said that they were from him ramming himself into the wall
in an attempt to make the nitroglycerin explode.

- A 50-year old woman came into the ER with a complaint of mild
abdominal pain.  During a pelvic exam the doctor found that the lady
had inserted a whole chicken piece by piece into her vagina.  Unable
to have children she was hoping that the chicken would turn into a baby.

- A man in his mid-fifties did a Loraina Bobbit on himself in a
drunken rage and ended up in the ER.  The urologist thought that he
could reattach the mans genitalia if it could be recovered and if it
was in good condition.  The police were dispatched to the man's house
and the search was on.  During the search one of the officers heard a
choking sound coming from the man's poodle that was sitting in the
corner.  After a brief fight the officer was able to retrieve the
man's jewels from the dog's mouth.  After inspection of the parts by
the urologist it was decided that the man would need to be taught to
pee while sitting (if you know what I mean) The officer was given a
commendation from his precinct for medical assistance.

- A woman with shortness on breath and who weighed approximately 500
lbs was dragged into the ER on a tarp by six firemen.  While trying
to undress the lady an asthma inhaler fell out of one of the folds
under her arm.  After an X-ray showed a round mass on the left side
of her chest her massive left breast was lifted to find a shiny new
dime.  And last but not least during a pelvic exam a TV remote
control was discovered in one of the folds of her crotch. She became
known as "The Human Couch".

- A doctor who spoke limited Spanish was rushed to a car in the ER
parking lot to find a Spanish woman in the process of giving birth.
Wanting to tell the woman to push he started yelling "Puta! Puta!
Puta!" at this the grandmother started to cry and the baby's father
had to be restrained.  What the doctor should have been saying was
"Puja!" (Push!)  Instead he was saying "Whore! Whore! Whore!"

- A 40-year old man and his wife were playing with some vegetables
when a cucumber became lodged in his rectum.  Unable to get it out on
his own he showed up at the ER for some assistance.  All he was given
was some pain pills and KY jelly and told to wait and he would
eventually poop it out.  On his way out one of the nurses yelled
"Come on back this afternoon.  Were having a Butt- luck supper". (How
embarrassing is that!)

- An unconscious 36-year old male was brought to the ER with cocaine
induced seizures.  As a nurse pulled back his foreskin to insert a
catheter (a tube passed through the urethra and into the bladder) a
neatly folded twenty dollar bill fell out of the foreskin fold.  When
the man woke up and demanded to leave, the nurse gave him  back his
belongings and told him where she had found the money.  His
response: "It was a fifty, bitch!"

- An elderly woman came into the ER complaining: "I got the green
vines in my virginny" (Interesting).  A pelvic exam verifies that she
did, indeed, have a six inch vine growing out of her vagina. Further
inspection revealed that she had a mass in her vaginal vault.  It was
easily removed and looked very much like a potato. It
was, indeed, a potato.  The patient said that her uterus was falling
out and that she "put a potato in there to hold it up" and then
forgot about it.

- The most nonemergent ER visit:  A male adolescent came in at 2
a.m. with a complaint of belly button lint.

- A young female came to the ER with lower abdominal pain.  During
the exam and questioning the female denied being sexually active. The
doctor gave her a pregnancy test anyway and it came back positive.
The doctor went back to the young female's room.
Doctor: "The results of your pregnancy test came back
   positive.  Are you sure you're not sexually active?"
   Patient: "Sexually active? No, sir, I just lay there."
Doctor: "I see. Well, do you know who the father is?"
Patient: "No. Who?"

 - A 92-year old woman had a full cardiac arrest at home and was rushed
to

 the hospital.  After about thirty minutes of unsuccessful resuscitation
 attempts the old lady was pronounced dead.  The doctor
 went to tell the lady's 78-year old daughter that her mother didn't
make it.  "Didn't make it?  Where could they be? She left in the
ambulance forty-five minutes ago!"

- A 15-year old boy was laying on a stretcher with his mother sitting
next to him.  The boy was coming down from "crank" (methamphetamine)
that he had injected into his veins with needles he had been sharing
with his friends.  Concerned about this the doctor asked the boy if
there was anything he might have been doing that put him at risk for
AIDS.  The boy thought for a while then said
questioningly, "I've been fucking the dog?"

- A 19-year old female was asked why she was in the ER.  She said
that she and her boyfriend were having sex and the condom came off
and she wasn't able to retrieve it with her fingers.  I went
to the bathroom and "gagged" myself to vomit but couldn't vomit it up
either."