The Night Before Absolutely Nothing

              'Twas the night before crisis,
              And behind White House doors,
              Not a creature was stirring,
              Not even Al Gore.

              The interns were nestled,
              Dressed in their berets,
              In hopes that Saint Bubba
              Would come out to play.

              When on the East Lawn,
              There arose such a clatter,
              Even Sam Donaldson
              Lost control of his bladder.

              Away to our TVs
              We flew like a flash,
              There's a special report,
              And it's pre-empting MASH!

              And what to our wondering
              Eyes should appear,
              But a homely lil' troll,
              With tapes for us to hear.

              With a K-Mart bought blazer,
              And a bad frizzy 'do,
              And a tale to be told-
              To me, and to you.

              On the chair!  On the carpet!
              On the Oval Office desk!
              With a chubby young intern,
              Who was all eyes and chest.

              The Pres had been careless,
              Indeed, dumb and dumber.
              Now the whole world knew Bubba
              Had gotten a hummer.

              And Monica Lewinsky
              Emerged from the rubble,
              If she'd just kept her mouth shut,
              We'd not have all this trouble.

              And thus set in motion,
              A whole web o' spiders,
              With pundits galore,
              And "White House insiders."

              You ask, "Who would care
              About Bill and his penis?"
              "Republican Ken Starr",
              And he's armed with subpoenas!

              More rapid than eagles,
              Process servers, they flew!
              "Here's one for you!
              And for you!  And you, too!"

              "Now Jordan!  Now Cockell!
              Is there anyone else?!?
              Let's subpoena the lawyers!
              And Bubba himself!!"

              "We want you to tell us
              About Bill's private life,
              And anyone he sleeps with,
              'cept, of course, his wife."

              And many months later,
              After long we've all suffered,
              Let's examine more closely
              Just what Starr's uncovered.

              We've learned "Little Bill"
              We've learned "Little Bill"
              Has a mind of his own,
              And-horror of horrors-
              He likes to get blown!

              A funny fact surfaced,
              After 40 million bucks:
              Seems most people don't care
              Just who Clinton fucks.

              The economy's great,
              And shows no signs of slowing.
              Hell, we hope Ms. Lewinsky
              NEVER stops blowing!

              Now the public's grown weary.
              Will this sleaze never end?
              We just want to get back
              To "E.R.", and to "Friends."

              Now Monica, Linda --
              And Ken Starr, you fuck!
              Get the hell off my TV,
              Your 15 minutes are up.

              So what holds the future,
              For Linda, the tape lady?
              Well, Paula got a nose job,
              And a brand new Mercedes!