Famous words 
  
  "Instead of getting married again, I'm going to find a woman I don't 
  like and just give her a house," 
  - Lewis Grizzard 
  
  "The problem with the designated driver program, it's not a desirable 
  job. But if you ever get sucked into doing it, have fun with it. At the 
  end of the night, drop them off at the wrong house." 
  -- Jeff Foxworthy 
  
  "See, the problem is that God gives men a brain and a penis, and only 
  enough blood to run one at a time." 
  - Robin Williams 
  
  "If a woman has to choose between catching a fly ball and saving an 
  infant's life, she will choose to save the infant's life without even 
  considering if there is a man on base." 
  - Dave Barry 
  
  "What do people mean when they say the computer went down on them?" 
  -Marilyn Pittman 
  
  "Relationships are hard. It's like a full time job, and we should treat 
  it like one. If your boyfriend or girlfriend wants to leave you, they 
  should give you two weeks' notice. There should be severance pay, and 
  before they leave you, they should have to find you a temp." 
  - Bob Ettinger 
  
  "My Mom said she learned how to swim when someone took her out in the 
  lake and threw her off the boat. I said, 'Mom, they weren't trying to 
  teach you how to swim."' 
  - Paula Poundstone 
  
  "A study in the Washington Post says that women have better verbal 
  skills than men. I just want to say to the authors of that study: Duh." 
  - Conan O'Brien 
  
  "Why does Sea World have a seafood restaurant?? I'm halfway through 
  my fish burger and I realize, Oh my God.... I could be eating a slow 
  learner." 
  - Lynda Montgomery 
  
  "The day I worry about cleaning my house is the day Sears comes out with 
  a riding vacuum cleaner." 
  - Roseanne 
  
  "I think that's how Chicago got started. A bunch of people in New York 
  said, 'Gee, I'm enjoying the crime and the poverty, but it just isn't 
  cold enough. Let's go west.'" 
  - Richard Jeni 
  
  "If life was fair, Elvis would be alive and all the impersonators would 
  be dead." 
  -Johnny Carson 
  
  "Sometimes I think war is God's way of teaching us geography." 
  - Paul Rodriguez 
  
  "My parents didn't want to move to Florida, but they turned sixty, and 
  that's the law." 
  - Jerry Seinfeld 
  
  "In elementary school, in case of fire you have to line up quietly in a 
  single file line from smallest to tallest. What is the logic? Do tall 
  people burn slower?" 
  - Warren Hutcherson 
  
  "Bigamy is having one wife too many. Monogamy is the same." 
  - Oscar Wilde 
  
  "Marriage is a great institution, but I'm not ready for an institution 
  yet." 
  -Mae West 
  
  "Suppose you were an idiot... And suppose you were a member of 
  Congress... But I repeat myself." 
  - Mark Twain 
  
  "Our bombs are smarter than the average high school student. At least 
  they can find Kuwait." 
  - A. Whitney Brown 
  
  Ah, yes, divorce......., from the Latin word meaning to rip out a man's 
  genitals through his wallet," 
  - Robin Williams 
  
  "Women complain about premenstrual syndrome, but I think of it as the 
  only time of the month that I can be myself." 
  - Roseanne 
  
  "Women need a reason to have sex. Men just need a place." 
  - Billy Crystal 
  
  "You can say any foolish thing to a dog, and the dog will give you a 
  look that says, 'My God, you're right! I never would've thought of 
that!'" 
  
  -Dave Barry 
  
  "We have women in the military, but they don't put them in the front 
  lines. They don't know if they can fight or if they can kill. I think 
  they can. All the general has to do is walk over to the women and say, 
  'You see the enemy over there? They say you look fat in those 
  uniforms.'" 
  -Elayne Boosler 
  
  "If you can't beat them, arrange to have them beaten." 
  - George Carlin 
  
  When I die, I want to die like my grandfather who died peacefully in his 
  sleep. Not screaming like all the passengers in his car...