Letter from Santa

To Whom It May Concern,


I regret to inform you that effective immediately, I will no longer be 
able to serve the Southern United States on Christmas Eve. Due to the 
overwhelming population of the earth, my contract was renegotiated by 
North American Fairies and Elves Local #209. I now serve only certain 
areas of Ohio, Indiana, Illinois, Wisconsin and Michigan. As part of 
the  new and better contract, I also get longer breaks for milk and 
cookies so keep that in mind. 

However, I am certain that your children will be in good hands with 
your local replacement who happens to be my third cousin, Bubba Claus.
His side of the family is from the South Pole. He shares my goal of 
delivering toys to all the good boys and girls. However, there are a 
few  differences between us such as: 

1. There is no  danger of The Grinch stealing your presents from Bubba 
   Claus. He has a gun rack on his sleigh and a bumper sticker that reads: 
   "These toys insured by Smith and Wesson." 
 
2. Instead of milk and cookies, Bubba Claus prefers that  children leave 
   an RC cola and pork rinds [or a moon pie] on the fireplace and Bubba 
   doesn't smoke a pipe. He dips a little snuff though, so please have 
   an empty spit can handy.
 
3. Bubba Claus' sleigh is pulled by floppy-eared, flyin' coon dogs instead 
   of reindeer. I made the mistake of loaning him a couple of my reindeer 
   one time, and Blitzen's head now overlooks Bubba's fireplace. 

4. You won't hear "On Comet, on Cupid, on Donner and Blitzen..." when 
   Bubba Claus arrives. Instead, you'll hear, "On Earnhardt, on 
   Wallace, on Martin and Labonte. On Rudd, on Jarrett, on Elliott and Petty." 

5. "Ho, ho, ho!" has been replaced by "Yee Haw!" And you also are likely 
   to hear Bubba's elves respond, "I her'd dat!"
 
6. As required by Southern highway laws, Bubba Claus' sleigh does have 
   a Yosemite Sam safety triangle on the back with the words "Back off". 
   The last I heard it also had other decorations on the sleigh as well. 
   One is a Ford logo with lights that race through the letters and the 
   other is a caricature of me (Santa Claus) peeing on the Tooth Fairy. 

7. The usual Christmas movie classics such as "Miracle on 34th Street" 
   and "It's a Wonderful Life" will not be shown in your negotiated 
   viewing area.  Instead, you'll see "Boss Hog Saves Christmas" and 
   "Smokey and the Bandit IV" featuring Burt Reynolds as Bubba Claus 
   and dozens of state police cars crashing into each other. 

8. Bubba Claus doesn't wear a belt. If I were you, I'd make sure the 
   wife and the kids turn the other way when he bends over to put 
   presents under the tree. 
 
9. And finally, lovely Christmas songs have been sung about me like 
   "Rudolph the Red-nosed Reindeer" and Bing Crosby's "Santa Claus 
   Is Coming to Town."

   This year songs about Bubba Claus will be played on all the AM 
   radio stations in the South. Those song titles will be Mark 
   Chesnutt's "Bubba Claus Shot the Jukebox"; Cledus T. Judd's "All I 
   Want for Christmas Is My Woman and a Six Pack", and Johnny 
   Paycheck's "If You Don't Like Bubba Claus, Shove It." 
 



   Sincerely Yours, 
	Santa Claus 
	(Member) North American 
 	Fairies and Elves Local #209