Actually from the LA Times.


"In retrospect, lighting the match was my big mistake. But I was only
trying to retrieve the gerbil," Eric Tomaszewski told bemused doctors in the
Severe Burns Unit of Salt Lake City Hospital.  Tomaszewski, and his
homosexual partner Andrew "Kiki" Farnum, had been admitted for emergency
treatment after a felching session had gone seriously wrong. "I pushed a
cardboard tube up his rectum and slipped Raggot, our gerbil, in," he
explained. "As usual, Kiki shouted out "Armageddon", my cue that he'd had
enough. I tried to retrieve Raggot but he wouldn't come out again, so I
peered into the tube and
struck a match, thinking the light might attract him." At a hushed press
conference, a hospital spokesman described what happened next. "The match
ignited a pocket of intestinal gas and a flame shot out the tube, igniting
Mr Tomaszewski's hair and severely burning his face.  It also set fire to
the gerbil's fur and whiskers which in turn ignited a larger pocket of gas
further up the intestine, propelling the rodent out like a cannonball."
Tomaszewski suffered second degree burns and a broken nose from the impact
of the gerbil, while Farnum suffered first and second degree burns to his
anus and lower intestinal tract.

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O.K., here's the top ten things that scared me the most in reading this 
story.

10)  "I pushed a cardboard tube up his rectum . . ."   Ouch!!!

9)  "So I peered into the tube . . ."  Aaaaaahhhhhhh.  I'm sorry, but
that's like looking through a telescope into hell.  I'd rather use
binoculars to stare at the sun.

8)  That poor gerbil (who obviously suffers from low self-esteem) being
shot out of the guy's anus like Rocky the Flying Squirrel on Rocky &
Bullwinkle.

7)  Suffering a broken nose from a gerbil being launched out of
someone's anus.  I'm just guessing, but I seriously doubt said gerbil was
springtime fresh after his little journey into Kiki's "tunnel of love."

6)  People walking around with these volcanic-like pockets of gas in
their rectums.

5)  People who do this kind of thing and then admit what they were
doing when taken to the emergency room.  Sorry, but I think I would have
made up a story about a gang of roving, pyromaniac, anal sex fiends breaking
into my house and sodomizing me with a charcoal lighter before I admitted
the truth.  Call me old fashioned, but I just can't imagine looking at a
doctor and saying "Well doc, it's like this.  See we have this gerbil named
Raggot and we took this cardboard tube . . ."

4)  "First and second degree burns to the anus".  Wouldn't this make
the burning itch and discomfort of hemmoroids a welcome relief?  How does
one ever take a healthy poop after something like this?  And the smell of
burning anus must be in the top five most horrible scents on the face of
God's green earth.

3)  People named "Kiki" which is obviously a Polynesian word for:
"Idiotic white men who insert rodents up their butts."

2)  What kind of a hospital would hold a press conference on this?

1)  This happened in Salt Lake City.  What kind of people are those
Mormons?  I'm starting to get a whole new image of the Osmond family.