Fourth Place
 
While in line at the bank one afternoon, my toddler decided to release some
pent-up energy and started to run amuck. I was finally able to grab hold of
her after receiving looks of disgust and annoyance from other patrons. I
told her that if she didn't start behaving herself right now, she would be
punished. To my horror, she looked me in the eye and said in a voice just as
 threatening, "If you don't let me go right now, I will tell Grandma that I
saw you kissing Daddy's pee-pee last night!". The silence was deafening
after this enlightening exchange.  Even the tellers stopped what they were
doing ! I mustered the last of my dignity and walked out of the bank with
my daughter in tow.

 
 Third Place
 
It was the day before my eighteenth birthday. I was living at home, but my
parents had gone out for the evening, so I invited my girlfriend over for a
romantic night alone. As we lay in bed after making love, we heard the
telephone ringing downstairs. I suggested to my girlfriend that I give her a
piggy-back ride to the phone. Since we didn't want to miss the call, we
didn't have time to get dressed. When we got to the bottom of the stairs,
the lights suddenly came on and a whole crowd of people yelled "SURPRISE!".
My entire family, aunts, uncles, grandparents, cousins and all of my friends
were standing there! My girlfriend and I were frozen to the spot in a state
of shock and embarrassment for what seemed like an eternity. Since then,
no-one in my family has planned a surprise party again.

 
Second Place

A lady picked up several items at a discount store. When she finally got up
to the checker, she learned that one of the items had no price tag. Imagine
her embarrassment when the checker got on the public address system and
boomed out for all the store to hear:  "PRICE CHECK ON LANE THIRTEEN.
TAMPAX, SUPERSIZE."  That was bad enough, but somebody at the rear of the
store apparently misunderstood the word "Tampax" for "Thumbtacks".  In a
very business-like tone, a voice boomed back over the  public address
system;  "DO YOU WANT THE KIND YOU PUSH IN WITH YOUR THUMB OR THE KIND
THAT YOU BELT IN WITH A HAMMER ?"
 

And the Winner Is ?

 
This one actually happened at Harvard University in October last year.  In a
biology class, the professor was discussing the high glucose levels found in
semen. A young female (freshman), raised her hand and asked, "If I understand 
what you are saying, there is a lot of glucose in male semen, as
in sugar?" "That's correct," responded the professor, going on to add much
statistical data.  Raising her hand again, the sweet young thing asked,
"Then why doesn't it taste sweet ?". After a stunned silence, the whole
class burst out laughing, the poor girl turned bright red and as she
realized exactly what she had inadvertently said (or rather implied) she
picked up her books without a word and walked out of the class, and never
returned. However, as she was going out of the door, the professor's reply
was a classic.  Totally straight-faced, he answered her question, "It
doesn't taste  sweet because the taste-buds for sweetness are on the tip
of your tongue and not in the back of your throat !"