One thing kids like to be is tricked.
For instance, I was going to take my nephew to Disneyland,
but instead I drove him to an old burned out warehouse.
"Oh. no" I said. "Disneyland burned down."
He cried and cried, but I think that deep down,
he thought it was a pretty good joke.


If a kid asks where rain comes from.
I think a cute thing to tell him is. "God is crying."
And if he asks why God is crying, another cute thing to tell him is.
"Probably because of something you did."


If you ever catch on fire, try to avoid seeing yourself in the mirror,
because I bet that's what really throws you into a panic.


It takes a big man to cry,
but it takes a bigger man to laugh at that man.


I think a good gift for the President would be a chocolate revolver.
And since he is so busy.
You'd probably have to run up to him real quick and hand it to him.

Maybe in order to understand mankind, we have to look at the word itself
MANKIND.  Basically, it's made up of two words - "mank" and "ind".
What do these words mean?
It's a mystery, and that's why so is mankind.


  When I found the skull in the woods,
the first thing I did was call the police.
But then I got curious about it.
I picked it up, and started wondering who this person was,
and why he had deer horns


As the light changed from  red to green to yellow
and back to red again,
I sat there thinking about life.
Was it nothing more than a bunch of honking and yelling?
Sometimes it seemed that way.



Broken promises don't upset me.
I just think,
why did they believe me?


One thing vampire children have to be taught early on is,
don't run with a wooden stake.